BXBX NOVEL Volume 4, 78 [A Voice That Was About To Cry]
Volume 4, Chapter 78 [A Voice That Was About To Cry]
[Sekhmet: Curling up, being stubborn…… isn’t that just like a child? It’s so painful, I can’t bear watching… haa…]
Listening to Sekhmet calling him a child, Subaru, closed off in his shell, couldn’t help but think that maybe she was right.
Obstinate and conceited, he was stubbornly shutting out the voices around him―― but surely, his way would be the most reliable for minimizing losses.
Being granted an unlimited number of chances to rewind the world, with his life as the only price, Subaru could keep trying indefinitely. In the process, over and over, Subaru’s heart would steadily be abraded away.
But just when he was on the brink of shattering, he was given the words to make him stand again.
{――You’re my hero, Subaru-kun}
That. That was all he needed.
After his soul is finally worn to the core, if he could just hear those words with everyone there beside him―― he would be satisfied.
What’s so wrong with that?
[???: ――Baru is crying~?]
Suddenly, a child’s voice pierced through the silence of the scene as the Witches held their breaths.
Curled into a ball, Subaru felt his head being caressed by a little palm. Glancing up through his teary vision, he saw the murky shape of a tan-skinned girl.
Subaru’s gaze had landed on the “Witch of Pride”.
[Typhon: Poor Baru… he’s cry~ing. ……Who made him cry~?]
The kneeling Typhon stood up, glowering at the other wordless Witches.
A perilous gleam twirled in her eyes as she looked at each of the Witches in turn, then she raised her brows when she finally spotted Satella.
[Typhon: Tella? Tella’s here? Why? It’s been so long~]
Typhon waved as she called to Satella, but the war-like gleam in her eyes hadn’t diminished. Seeing this, the first to address her was Sekhmet, who spilled a languid sigh as she sat up.
[Sekhmet: Typhon……haa… He’s a bit occupied at the moment, huu… Don’t bother the boy, haa. Come here… huu…]
[Typhon: Mama… did you do something bad to Baru? Mama… are you a sinner too~?]
[Sekhmet: Your mother… haa… doesn’t have the energy to be a bad person, huu… I wouldn’t want to give myself more work, and I wouldn’t want to give you more work either, haa]
Typhon gave a little nod at Sekhmet’s answer, but showed no intention of moving away from Subaru like she was told. Instead, she turned to Minerva,
[Typhon: Nerva~~? Did you bully Ba…… nah~]
[Minerva: How come you’re not asking me? It’s not that absurd? It’s not like I only ever go around healing people, sometimes I get carried away and abuse people emotionally too, you know…… I mean, I… can hurt, people…… too, sometimes…]
[Echidona: When your face turns blue just thinking about it, it’s kind of hard to imagine any violence coming from you…]
Echidona shrugged, teasing Minerva for her unconvincing reply. Minerva shot her a sharp glare, while Typhon also followed her gaze, turning to Echidona as her childish face twisted into a frown.
[Typhon: So it’s Dona. Dona, you did something bad again, didn’t you~? Dona… are you a sinner~?]
[Echidona: Now why did that sound like a conclusion rather than a question when you’re asking me? I think I should have a word with the one who raised you about that. So, what do you have to say?]
[Sekhmet: It’s to do with your daily behavior… haa…]
Saying this, Sekhmet languorously held her hand to her forehead. Without leaving Subaru’s side, Typhon was still intently searching for the “Sinner who made Subaru cry”.
Seeing the small Witch like this, Echidona narrowed her eyes, muttering [Anyway…],
[Echidona: Now that Typhon’s here, we almost have everyone. If Daphne shows up as well, it’ll be just like 400 years ago……]
[????: Did.. someone just call for Daphne…?]
In response to Echidona’s remark, a pitch-black coffin abruptly appeared on the meadow.
Inside, with her entire body in bondage and her eyes covered by blindfolds, was the Witch of Gluttony, Daphne.
She made a little twitch with her nose, as if sniffing out all the people present.
[Daphne: Not just Subaruun… Tella-Tella’s here too? Woaaaw… All seven Witches of Sin are here, even the Sage-candidate too……]
[Echidona: Daphne. ――He’s… not there yet]
[Daphne: ……Aaah~, really? Sorry… Anyway…… sniff~ sniff~~ I smell something salty… is someone crying? Is it Neru-Neru?]
Without the slightest regard for the mood, Daphne went on poking at the tense situation in her dopey tone.
To have all seven Witches, including Satella, gathered in the Dream Citadel must’ve been a rare sight even during the golden age of Witches 400 years ago.
With the seven Witches who by themselves had once plunged the world into chaos―― assembled now, in this scene set to explode, was enough power to reshape the world.
The Witch of Pride, seeking to pass judgment upon the one who made the young boy cry.
The Witch of Wrath, clenching her fists, aiming to fulfill the wish of the close friend at her side.
The Witch of Sloth, watching everyone’s every move, ready to crush any who would break the peace.
The Witch of Lust, keeping her uninvolved demeanor, preparing to protect herself should the situation set off.
The Witch of Gluttony, having already lost interest in what was happening around her, now agonizing over whose fingers to munch on to stave off her hunger.
The Witch of Greed, directing her hostility toward one particular Witch, while her eyes went on brimming with curiosity at just how this tea party shall unfold.
And, the one who was not the Witch of Envy, but Satella――
[Satella: I, love you. ――Because you gave me light. It was you who took me by the hand, and showed me the world outside. In the nights when I was lonely and afraid, you held my hand. And when I was all alone, you kissed me on the lips and told me that I wasn’t. You’ve given me so, so much. ……That’s why, I love you. Because you… you gave me everything]
[Subaru: ――――]
Subaru couldn’t recall doing a single thing that Satella had whispered.
He had no part in it, it had nothing to do with him. Whether it was meeting Satella, trading words with her, or sharing a single feeling of warmth. Everything she said had been the product of her delusions. The arrayed, empty fantasies of a woman crazed with longing.
That was how it should be. And yet, “Natsuki Subaru” remembered.
[Subaru: Why is this…… inside me, what is this? I don’t want this feeling. Don’t try to bind me… with memories that can’t exist…… you… you… I…… tk]
“I hate you”, was all he needed to say.
All he had to do was stab the girl who offered him these feelings with the fact that he didn’t have the slightest affection for her. Once he does, he would be able to see the look on the face of the one who had selfishly sought to warp his heart. Surely, it would be an expression magnificently twisted by heartbreak.
――”But, how could you do that to her?”
[Typhon: Baru?]
[Sekhmet: Oh, kid……]
[Camilla: H-he’s……]
[Minerva: You…… tch]
[Daphne: Subaruun?]
[Echidona: ――Ah, well that’s one option… Natsuki Subaru]
As the Witches called to Subaru in turn, Echidona gave a small nod at this outcome.
[Subaru: ――gh, bhu]
――Just like this, curled up on the ground, Subaru had bitten off his own tongue.
Cornered by the Witches, he didn’t know what was anything anymore.
With his heart on the brink of twisting, what was left for him to do when even his will was no longer his own?
If it was just something he couldn’t accept, he could have rejected it and it would’ve been fine.
But, in front of Satella, when even his rejection was being turned into acceptance―― that was truly terrifying.
――Now, just what would happen if you lose your life in a dream?
Subaru’s body should still be in the Tomb inside the Sanctuary.
What had been summoned here was Subaru’s spirit-body, or otherwise, his soul. If his spirit died here, would it carry over to his physical body? Could souls even die?
None of it mattered. If it meant another death and respawn, he’d be fine with that.
He would not take the Witches’ help. Instead, he would move forward with even greater self-abandon, scouring away anything that wasn’t necessary, and, if he could just stay true to his course, surely, the path would open―― if I could do just that, I,
[Minerva: That, idiot――!]
The instant she noticed Subaru’s attempted suicide, Minerva rolled up her sleeves and jolted forward, hurrying to punch Subaru to heal him. But, cutting in front of her was Typhon, who had been standing at Subaru’s side.
The small Witch stretched out her little body, blocking Minerva’s path.
[Typhon: Baru made his own choice! Nerva, no interrupting!]
[Minerva: Self-harm or suicide or injury or murder, I won’t allow any of it under my watch! I don’t care what kind of anguish is going on inside! I can’t do a thing about wounds that I can’t see! That’s why! There’s no way I’d overlook a wound that I can see!]
The ground caved in beneath her single step as Minerva’s fist pierced through the wind, driving towards Typhon’s face.
The shrieking fist advanced with enough force to rupture a mountain, but the moment it connects with a living being, the destruction would transform into healing. Although, the shockwave of the impact would still be transferred to the recipient of the strike.
Producing a resounding boom, Minerva’s full-forced strike sent Typhon flying.
The prepubescent girl was blown away as easily as a leaf, dancing through the meadow’s artificial sky. It was a rather brutal sight―― but Typhon wasn’t the only victim.
[Minerva: ――――Tch!]
Minerva’s right arm, from her shoulder onwards, shattered like ice-crystals.
This was the consequence of touching the judgment of the Witch of Pride, and thus being deemed a “Sinner”.
Minerva tilted back her head in pain for the loss of her arm, opening her mouth wide to shriek――
[Minerva: A scratch――!!]
Or not.
Though she was sensitive to other people’s pain, the Witch of Wrath completely disregarded her own.
Even as she criticised Natsuki Subaru for his outlook, she was in fact guilty of the same.
[Minerva: Anyway, now――!]
Having removed her obstacle, Minerva leaped towards Subaru, readying her remaining left arm. Aiming the mighty arm for a full-forced strike from above,
[Sekhmet: I’ll be getting in your way next… haa]
In an instant, with her blonde hair fluttering, Minerva was slammed into the ground.
Her entire body pinned to the earth creating a person-shaped crater in the grass, Minerva lifted her face, flushed red with indignant fury, as she screamed at the seated Sekhmet.
[Minerva: Don’t get in my way――! Sekhmet――!]
[Sekhmet: That won’t do, huu. Sentimentally speaking, I’m on the kid’s side, haa. And adding to that, I’m also on Typhon’s side, huu… So I have no reason not to get in the way, haa…]
Hearing Sekhmet’s declaration of war, Minerva ruefully bit her lip as she looked around her.
But Daphne and Camilla were staying neutral in this conflict, and Echidona was merely watching with piqued interest for the outcome. And, Satella――
[Satella: Hhh……hha……]
Crumbling to her knees, her voice trembled as she watched profuse blood spouting from Subaru’s mouth.
With his pouring blood and severed tongue clogging his throat, Subaru was experiencing the sensation of drowning as he caught Satella in a corner of his consciousness.
She’s crying, isn’t she?
Witnessing Subaru’s “Death”, she looked more shaken than he had ever seen her before.
[Satella: Why can’t you understand……? That of all the things you want to protect, you should be protected too]
Why would she think this way about Subaru?
Within her delusions, just how much support did Subaru lend to her heart?
[Satella: Just like everyone else, struggling in the dead-ends of fate, it’s the same for you too. It’s just that you have a way of overturning it…… but… you need saving too… so why…]
She was completely wrong.
Subaru was a hopeless bastard who couldn’t even hold onto the things within his grasp, much less save those he wished to save. A half-assed, useless bastard. There was no escaping from that.
To overcome that useless self, to no longer leave things half-way. Wasn’t that what he had promised?
To become the best self he can be. Wasn’t that what he had decided?
――That weak, useless self, and the self that no longer wanted to be weak were fighting inside him.
No one would see Natsuki Subaru’s weakness anymore.
He must become that strong, dignified, unshakable hero he needed to be.
Because there was a girl who wanted this from him. It was the curse he had placed upon her, and it was his duty to repay her for accepting that curse. Or, actually. It wasn’t so much of a duty. It was just that, since that girl believed this about him, he wanted her to keep on believing.
Yes. That was it.
That was it.
If there was anyone who would grieve over Subaru’s death, it would be her.
Choosing “Death” was a betrayal of the girl who believed in him. Though of course, to Subaru, “Death” would not be the end. Using “Death” as his stepping stone, he would eliminate his cause of “Death” and retrieve everything he had lost.
But what would this mean for the others whom the Death-bound Subaru had left behind?
He mustn’t think about it.
He mustn’t know it. Those were dangerous thoughts.
It was fine. Natsuki Subaru was fine just the way he was.
He mustn’t think that anyone would grieve for him.
He wasn’t someone worthy of such a thing. Subaru’s life was a consumable resource. To be used, and used, and used, until they reach the very end. That was all it was meant to be.
To use death without reservation to its greatest effect, he mustn’t balk at his own “Deaths”.
Be decisive. It’s fine to think nothing. In order to take back what he needs to take back, he must be prepared to abandon what he has to abandon. Everyone does this. It’s fine for Subaru to do this as well.
He just has to save the ones precious to him
If he could do just that, Subaru――
[Satella: What did you see…… in the Second Trial……?]
The Trial. ――The Trial. The Trial, the “Trial”. Trial Trial Trial, “Trial” Trial Trial Trial, Trial――?
Shock and deprivation of oxygen had slowed his thoughts to their limits.
His vision blurred and blurred into a flickering red, as a storm of television noise ran through his mind. “It’s about time this ended”, he vaguely thought.
The end was slowly approaching.
How many times was it now, that he had welcomed “Death” like this? It was far too tiresome to count, but that was fine.
Eventually, he would have repeated deaths so many times that counting would become sickening.
He didn’t think he could stay conscious long enough to count all the “Deaths” anyway.
That heart of steel.
To have, that unshakable, heart of steel――
Slowly, and slowly, Subaru’s consciousness departed,
And faded,
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
{I’m counting on you, son}
A voice.
Through the noise, and through the rebounding cacophony, he heard a horrifically clear voice.
{――Have a safe trip}
He heard another.
A different voice. But it brought the same emotions to his chest.
{I would have liked to call you friend}
Another voice, bringing a different feeling.
Somehow, it agitated him to hear it. But, there was also a pleasantness to it.
{Subaru-dono…… please forgive me……}
Yet another voice.
Flooding his chest with a passing loneliness and something similar to yearning. A voice he wanted to apologize to.
{You… aren’t, that person…… I know that… at least…… but……}
Here was a voice that gripped at his chest.
Hearing this voice, he could no longer control himself. This voice, that was about to cry. This voice that mustn’t be allowed to cry. This voice that he must protect. This voice. This voice. This voice.
{So show me how amazing you can be. Subaru-kun}
*Thud*, something thumped inside him in answer to this voice.
His body heated. Compelled by a sense of duty to move. At this voice that had always supported him.
And,
{Thank you, Subaru}
There came a voice.
{――For saving me}
――The voice that announced the beginning of everything.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
He was probably crying.
If the people dear to him learned about his death, would they grieve for him?
Those irreplaceable people left behind in the worlds that Subaru had selfishly escaped through “Death”, would they mourn and grieve for him?
Just as Subaru was lamenting his own weakness, repeating through Return by Death in search of the perfect future, those who lost him in the final step―― would they mourn for him as well?
The people who were precious to him.
The people he believed he must protect.
The people he undoubtedly wished to rescue from their fate’s dead-end.
――Was he worthy of being mourned by those so precious to him?
It’s alright to be a little conceited, isn’t it?
To be so conceited as to think that I’m also precious to the people I consider precious.
It’s alright to have a little faith, isn’t it?
To believe that those I want to protect also want to protect me as well.
I’m allowed to have a little hope too, aren’t I?
That someone would shed tears if I died, and see me as important enough to reach out their hand to save me.
――It’s alright for me to think this, isn’t it?
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to give up, as if this is the only way.
I don’t want to be a stepping stone, even if it means saving the futures of people I love.
In that future where I’ve protected all of them, I want to be there too.
It’s alright for me to think like this, isn’t it?
I… have the right too… don’t I?
If I do, then――
[Subaru: I don’t… wanna die……]
Gurgling through the clotting blood, alongside the escaping air, he spoke.
The severed-tongue clogging his throat broke free, as his mouth opened and closed, gasping for air. His lungs expanded, oxygen cycled through his brain, and his murky vision started returning.
Then,
[Minerva: There, those’re his real thoughts……kh!]
――Despite having lost both her legs, with willpower alone, the red-flushed Witch of Wrath rammed her healing head into Subaru’s.
-=Chapter 78 End=-