BXBX NOVEL Volume 4, 110 [The Reason To Believe]
Volume 4, Chapter 110 [The Reason To Believe]
When he saw Emilia huddled up, hugging her knees, Subaru was washed over by an inopportune sense of relief.
Part of it was because he found Emilia, and part of it was because he found her here.
He was convinced that this was the only place she could be, and he had hoped that this was where she’d be. Being right on both accounts, he felt a weight fall in the pit of his stomach.
[Subaru: Actually, come to think of it, Emilia-tan]
[Emilia: …………]
[Subaru: This really is a nice place to hole up if you don’t want anyone to find you. Not many people could come in here, and those who could wouldn’t want to, anyway]
Besides Emilia―― only three other people could enter Echidona’s Tomb.
One rejected the Trials and despised the Tomb, one witnessed another’s past and chose to entrust the Sanctuary’s future to someone else, whereas the last one roused the Witch’s ire halfway through his Trial and had his qualification revoked.
All other qualified people were barred by severe restrictions not to enter.
So indeed, this hiding place had “Emilia Only” written all over it.
Emilia did not reply to Subaru’s honest praise.
She only remained curled up, silently looking up at Subaru.
[Subaru: ――Mind if I sit beside you? Standing is… honestly pretty exhausting]
[Emilia: …………]
[Subaru: Where I come from, silence means yes. So, ‘scuse me]
Bathed in Emilia’s focused stare, Subaru magnificently proclaimed this and sat down at her side.
A distance of two fists was as close as Subaru’s manly courage could take him. Before he could get any closer, he’d have to use his words and appeals to shorten the emotional distance between them.
Because, right now, the distance separating their hearts was likely far greater than the widths of their fists.
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: ――――]
Sitting next to each other, a brief silence fell between them.
Subaru patiently waited for Emilia to speak, while Emilia watched him as he waited. Her lips quivered several times, until finally, with some hesitation,
[Emilia: Subaru……]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: How….. are you here?]
[Subaru: How, huh… that’s a tricky one. Since you’re always on my mind, Emilia-tan, I managed to find you in no time, I guess]
He was rather proud of that fact.
Since it meant that he was the only one, at least in the Sanctuary, who knew Emilia well enough to accurately divine her feelings.
Although, if he were truly attuned to Emilia’s feelings, he wouldn’t be speaking to her inside the Tomb right now.
At Subaru’s answer, Emilia’s eyes widened.
But then, she shook her head as if that wasn’t the answer she was looking for.
[Emilia: No. That’s not it, Subaru. I wasn’t asking how you got here…… I meant…… I thought only people who were granted the qualification could enter the Tomb]
[Subaru: You sure you didn’t forget, Emilia-tan? The first day we got here, when you fainted inside, I rushed straight in here to bring you out. Apparently, if the Witch hates me like she hates Roswaal, I would’ve exploded the instant I walked in. But, turns out it wasn’t that bad for me. Just feels floaty like I’m in an elevator that’s constantly a second before stopping. Nothing I can’t handle]
[Emilia: ……I, see]
Emilia muttered, a bit disappointed that this place wasn’t as exclusive as she thought. Then, she cast a worried gaze over Subaru, who seemed increasingly wracked by nausea.
Even though she must be desperately trying to put the mess inside her head in order, the fact that she was still thinking of others even now was at once admirable, heartbreaking, and sweet.
[Emilia: So then…… how did you know I was here?]
Rather than silence, Subaru seemed more at ease when distracted by conversation.
Perhaps having noticed this over the course of their exchange, when she saw him heaving with labored breaths, Emilia presented Subaru with a new question.
Her words were laced with suspicion and resignation, intermixed with some complex, indecipherable emotion.
Her resignation was haphazard, and her suspicion almost paranoid: Both traits which Emilia rarely ever showed―― in fact, this might be the first time Subaru had ever seen them.
[Emilia: ……Subaru?]
[Subaru: Aah, sorry sorry. Let’s see, how did I know you were here, well, uh, pr-probably because there’s nothing about Emilia-tan that I don’t know, so…]
[Emilia: Liar]
He wasn’t trying to joke around, but his frivolous answer was nevertheless promptly rejected.
Setting her chin on her knees, Emilia tilted her head as she looked at Subaru. The emotions fluttering within her amethyst eyes were of the pinnacle of chaotic turmoil, as if on the precipice of engulfing her.
Hating the emotions that her eyes were revealing, Emilia turned away, pouting, so that Subaru could no longer see them.
[Emilia: You won’t fool me even if you say that. ――When I don’t even properly know myself, how could you possibly know?]
[Subaru: It’s surprising how little people can see of themselves. Even when others around them can see all the way to their bootsoles]
He wouldn’t call it personal experience, but it did seem to happen to him over and over.
Each time, he’d get all fired up, unaware of how thoughtless, reckless, and senseless he was being. And only when someone finally spells it out for him, would he begin to notice it for himself.
Once, someone had pointed this out to Subaru, and for the very first time――
[Subaru: I figured you’d be here, Emilia-tan, half out of faith, and half out of hope]
[Emilia: Half, and half……]
[Subaru: I looked all over the village but couldn’t find you anywhere. So instead of thinking about where you might have gone, I thought as hard as I could about why you left in the first place. And when I did, I figured you must be here. And when I found you, I was relieved like you wouldn’t believe]
[Emilia: ……You were relieved, that’s all?]
[Subaru: Huh?]
As Subaru relaxed his lips into a relieved smile, Emilia asked.
Her voice was quiet, almost inaudible. Subaru raised his brows when he heard this, while Emilia locked her gaze onto his as if to peer into the depths of his eyes,
[Emilia: When you found me here, you were just relieved? ……You weren’t angry?]
[Subaru: What, Emilia-tan… No way, were you scared that I’d be mad at you?]
Her timid attitude almost made Subaru burst out chuckling.
Running off without telling anyone where she was going, only to get scared of reprimands when she was found, that’s exactly what a child would do.
Although it kind of made sense now that he’s learned about her actual and mental age, it was still incredibly unlike her.
But Subaru decided to pay the strangeness no heed and only shook his head.
[Subaru: I’m not angry at all. I was anxious, and honestly super panicked, but not mad. And considering that I found you here, I’m really glad]
[Emilia: ……I see]
The emotions Subaru felt for the missing Emilia was something other than anger.
And even if there was any anger, it’d be at himself for missing the warning signs and failing to anticipate Emilia’s actions. But that anxious, panicked feeling of all his plans coming to ruin was all drowned beneath the flood of relief when he found her.
And so, Emilia’s worries were needless. At least, that’s what he was trying to tell her.
[Emilia: You’re not… angry]
That’s what he tried to tell her, yet her mutter was not one of relief.
[Subaru: ――Emilia?]
[Emilia: You’re not… angry at me. ――You won’t… even get angry at me]
Her voice was quiet, hoarse, and trembling.
By the time Subaru furrowed his brows in astonishment, it was already too late.
Looking down, biting her lip, Emilia’s eyes opened wide.
Tears welled under her eyelids as she tried to keep them from spilling.
[Emilia: Why… can’t you be angry]
[Subaru: Emili――]
[Emilia: I did something selfish… didn’t I? I did something that distressed you, didn’t I? I disappeared without saying a word, and I worried you, didn’t I? I made you anxious, wondering if I’d run away…… that’s the sort of thing I did, wasn’t it? And when someone does that to you, shouldn’t you be angry? Or aren’t you like that, Subaru?]
Drowning out Subaru’s voice, Emilia spouted her feelings like a torrent.
Emphasizing the selfishness of her actions, she closed in on Subaru as if pressing him to condemn her.
Overwhelmed by her unrelenting pressure, Subaru finally realized that he had made a decisive error in choosing his words.
Emilia wasn’t scared that Subaru would be angry at her.
Emilia was scared that Subaru wouldn’t reproach her for her actions.
Because――
[Emilia: Why aren’t you angry……? You’re not angry… because you never expected anything from me in the first place, right? You saw how I failed, but you’re still being kind to me…… because you aren’t even disappointed in me, right? Because you never thought I could’ve done it…… right?]
[Subaru: ――――]
Perhaps those were the fears that Emilia had always harbored, but was never able to voice, like a darkness wallowing in the depths of her heart.
How many times had she challenged the Trials, only to be sent back with her spirit broken?
She hated herself for it, and the others showed their disappointment at her failure, but there were also those among them who would never fault her, like Subaru and Puck.
Yet even as she felt saved by Subaru and Puck’s presence, she’d always be fighting this unshakable anxiety.
Disappointment meant that there was expectation.
She hated herself because she was disgusted with how she couldn’t put up a fight.
And while being gently consoled even after she had failed and failed provided temporary relief for her heart, it only fanned the flames of a far greater anxiety.
For Emilia had always dreaded Subaru and Puck’s kindness.
[Subaru: No, Emilia. That’s not what I think…]
Belatedly realizing the immensity of the waves surging in Emilia’s heart, Subaru spoke up.
If he doesn’t catch Emilia here and now, something terrible is going to happen. If she continues to reject him like this, even if he tries reaching for her, he will never seize her again.
And so, with no time to consider his words, he raised his voice,
[Subaru: I can’t get mad at you, but it’s not because of anything like that……]
[Emilia: If that’s true, then……! Why! Why…… didn’t you keep your promise……?]
[Subaru: ――――hg!]
Having his knee-jerk reaction shot down, the change of topic caused Subaru’s face to stiffen.
The “Promise” Emilia spoke of was the one he’d made to her the night before. And as for whether or not it was fulfilled――
[Emilia: I asked you to hold my hand until morning! And you promised me you would, Subaru…… so why did you let go of my hand? Why didn’t you keep your promise……?]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: B-both you, and Puck, broke…… your promises, and disappeared. You left me behind, and went away…… you liars. Subaru you liar. Puck you liar…… you liars, liars…… liars……]
Her tearful voice lashed out, condemning their broken promises.
With her face downcast and tears streaming from her eyes, Emilia butted her head into Subaru’s shoulder before weakly slapping her hand against his chest. The force was equivalent to nothing. But even so, it hurt as though he’d been punched clean through.
This was the accumulation of all the pain which Subaru had overlooked, which Emilia had endured.
And which Subaru and Puck had so callously showered upon her.
[Emilia: P-promises are important…… I told you that, I told you, didn’t I! That for Spirits-Arts Users, for me, promises are important…… and so I wanted you to keep them…… but when you’re supposed to have just apologized to me for not having kept one…… you broke, a promise again……]
[Subaru: ……Emilia]
[Emilia: Never break promises…… never tell lies…… promises must always be kept…… because if they aren’t….. if I don’t, then…… Mother and Geuse……]
With her face still pressed against Subaru’s shoulder, Emilia’s emotions wandered, aimless and lost. The upheavals of her emotions and the grief at his betrayal had torn her thoughts into a thousand disjointed shreds.
Her faltering words grew incoherent, until Emilia was sobbing like a bawling child,
[Emilia: Never tell lies…… never……]
Listening to her voice shaking with grief, Subaru felt a clawing pain tearing at the insides of his chest.
“Promise”―― was a word whose resonances carried different meanings for Subaru and Emilia. Once, Subaru had made light of their promise and wounded her, and opened a mutual rift between them.
After their reunion, they reaffirmed the significance of promises, and sealed one in the form of a bond.
Nevertheless, “Promise” was not a gentle word, but a severe burden binding the two of them together.
More than anything, whenever she talked about “Promises”, Emilia would seem different than usual: As if something, some integral part of Emilia’s being, tethered her to promises.
[Emilia: ――――]
With her head buried between her knees, Emilia was weeping.
And every second Subaru spent watching her cut another gash of guilt into his heart.
Her sobs echoed into his ears as he frantically considered what to say.
Should he apologize? Should he pretend to understand? Should he desperately try to console her? How much of his considerations was it safe to convey?
Subaru’s head spun and spun as he thought, unable to grasp any hint of a solution.
What to do, what could he do, what should he do, and which is the best course of action?
[Subaru: ――――]
Think, think, think, Subaru closed his eyes amidst his whirling thoughts, and then――
He felt he’d reached the answer on what to do:
[Subaru: Emilia. ――I love you]
[Emilia: ――――]
Those words had no business being spoken in this situation.
[Emilia: ……huh?]
Hearing this, Emilia slipped an astonished groan and looked up.
Her teary amethyst eyes opened wide as she caught Subaru in her gaze. Seeing his own twisted visage reflected on her teardrop―― all he could do was steady himself to confront his own heart.
After all, he no longer had any doubt on what he wanted to say.
[Subaru: Night after night… you throw yourself at the same exact Trial over and over again. And what is this Trial, anyway? It’s just the goddamn past, isn’t it? Well quit dawdling around getting caught up on things that’ve already passed!]
[Emilia: ……ah, hg]
[Subaru: And just when I figured I’d do it for you, you start saying it’s something you have to do yourself and got so goddamn stubborn about it. It’d be one thing if it helped you get past it, but if you’re just getting the same results anyway, then it was all just talk, wasn’t it? How about taking a moment to consider what it feels like, having to watch you fall down over and over again?]
[Emilia: s…subaru……]
[Subaru: And just because your pet-slash-guardian went missing, you can’t even stand by yourself anymore? You throw a tantrum and cry your heart out making everybody worried about you, then you shirk your responsibilities to go sulk in bed. Well how lovely for you, but enough’s enough, I’m sick of it!]
Emilia’s eyes bulged in disbelief as she listened to Subaru’s tirade. Her damp eyes forgot their tears thanks to the shock, while her lips weakly quivered, unable to pronounce any meaningful words.
Without a doubt, more than ever before, Emilia’s heart was being deeply wounded.
Faced with Natsuki Subaru’s scorn and contempt, never once directed at her before, her heart was torn to pieces.
Emilia’s face contorted.
This was not tearful grief, nor tantrum-inciting rage, nor the hollowness of resignation and defeat.
Showered by abuses she’d never heard before, Emilia’s expression changed. Not to any of the more fitting emotions, but to something else entirely.
――On Emilia’s lips rose a horrifically dry smile.
[Emilia: That’s…… right, isn’t it. O-of course…… you’d, think this about me too, Subaru……]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: There’s no way to dress it up, is there…… I’m awful. Ever since I came to the Sanctuary…… no, even long before that…… all I ever did was cause trouble…… and so, I……]
[Subaru: Yeah. You honestly haven’t done a single good thing since you came to the Sanctuary. I know I’m not one to talk here, but this is just way too horrendous. There’s no getting around it]
Subaru affirmed the trembling Emilia’s self-negations.
Hearing this, Emilia’s throat made a choked groan. Swallowing a sob, or something close to it, and with her pained smile still upon her face,
[Emilia: And that’s why…… both you, and Puck…… ab-abandoned me, of course……]
[Subaru: Yes. You’ve pulled a lot of crap, and you’re still showing no signs of getting better. Rather than wanting to do something about it at this point, the only natural conclusion is that you’re hopeless no matter what]
Emilia tried to answer Subaru’s rebukes.
But Subaru snatched the tail of her reply and slammed her with this merciless critique.
[Subaru: ――But]
Just before reaching the end, Subaru’s denouncements ceased.
Emilia looked up at Subaru. Rising in her eyes was an emotion which only Subaru would understand.
――For it was the same emotion that Subaru had once felt himself.
[Subaru: I love you. ――Emilia]
Using the same words which he had been unable to escape from, Subaru blocked off Emilia’s escape.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
The long lashes bordering her eyes trembled as Subaru’s words robbed her of her consciousness.
Seeing her frozen there, with even her thoughts ground to a halt, Subaru’s cheeks slightly softened.
It wasn’t relief, and certainly not ridicule. If one must give it a name, it’d have to be nostalgia.
So nostalgic that he wanted to shout out everything inside him, alongside everything Emilia wanted to hear.
[Subaru: I love you. I love you, love you, love you, so much that I can’t help myself but love you]
[Emilia: W-what’re you…… saying, all of a sudden……]
[Subaru: I love your super-pretty silver hair, I love your amethyst eyes and how they look like jewels when they’re wet, I super-love your voice and how I get dreamy just from hearing it, and there’s your slender long legs and your fair-white skin, and our crazy-ideal height difference, and the fact that just being with you makes my heart race uncontrollably, and all of it makes me fall head-over-heels in love with you]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: I love how you’re just a little dopey, and it’s adorable how you put your best into everything, I admire how fervent you get for other people’s sakes, and the way you disregard yourself makes me feel like I just can’t leave you alone, and nothing would make me happier than to be able to watch all of your expressions and all of your emotions from here at your side…… that’s what I’ve always felt]
[Emilia: This isn’t the time to…… stop messing with me!]
All his feelings for Emilia flowed from his mouth like a flood.
But Emilia shook Subaru’s words away with a shriek.
Heaving her shoulders, with her brows shot up, Emilia bared her fury at the backpedalling Subaru who was acting as though he hadn’t said any of those hurtful things to her.
[Emilia: Why are you saying this all of a sudden! This isn’t what we were talking about! S-Subaru… you just said that I’m utterly useless, that I’m completely lacking, that’s what you were saying! You’re sick of it, you can’t bear watching anymore…… y-you said, that, I……]
[Subaru: Yeah, I did. After all the uselessness and empty talk I had to put up with only to see the same hopeless result, considering how impatient I am in the first place, I should’ve stopped loving you a long time ago. And I would have, if it was anyone but you, Emilia]
[Emilia: But why!!]
While acknowledging her worthless record, Subaru held off on the most important judgment.
Unable to accept this, unable to allow this omission, Emilia screamed.
[Emilia: All that uselessness and hopelessness, that’s who I am, isn’t it!? So why’re you trying to overlook it? Why’re you trying to forgive me? Why……]
[Subaru: If that’s what you’re asking, then I’ve told you countless times already! IT’S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!]
[Emilia: ――――hk]
Met with Emilia’s tearful protests, Subaru pushed his face into hers and shouted.
Overwhelmed by his advance, Emilia flinched back, but for each inch she retreated, Subaru closed the same distance. The fact that they were gazing into each other’s eyes, close enough for their breaths to intertwine, did not change.
[Subaru: I love you. So no matter how disappointing you are, I’ll think of it as discovering another side of you, and even if you aren’t strong enough, I’ll keep supporting you as you keep giving it your best, and no matter how fed up you are with yourself, I’ll never dislike you]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: Even if you hate how weak and pathetic you are, and worry that everyone’ll give up on you…… I’ll keep expecting things from you, and I’ll never leave you, no matter how weak you are]
Emilia’s eyes wavered.
The gaze which she’d fixed upon Subaru―― was filled with a weakness that was yearning to receive his rebukes, to indulge in its own resignation, and to drown in a pool of her own sorrow and grief.
Emilia wanted to be condemned. Perhaps because it is only when everyone has given up on you, and when you recognize that you are entirely beyond saving, that, for the first time, you’d truly feel saved.
Subaru knew that feeling, but he also knew what it was like to be guided out of it.
Because Natsuki Subaru had once tried to abandon himself as well, but nevertheless failed to make everyone else abandon him.
[Subaru: I’ve fallen madly in love with you. Everything good about you shines brilliantly for me. And of course I know not everything about you is good. You’re…… you’re not an angel, not a goddess, just an ordinary girl. Pain and hardship makes you want to cry, and you want to avoid the things that you don’t like, and, if possible, you’d much rather choose only the easy and enjoyable paths]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: But despite those weak, or even ugly parts of you, I love the entire person that is Emilia. And so…… even now, I’m not disappointed in you at all]
[Emilia: ――Th! Thats! Don’t you think that’s too selfish!?]
Subaru’s lips weaved his longing into words.
Listening to them in sequence, Emilia couldn’t suppress her turmoil as she objected.
[Emilia: You’ve just denounced me, and said time and time again that I’m useless, and now you’re saying you love me anyway…… how can you expect me to believe that! Subaru, why would you have that kind of faith in me…… it makes no sense at all!]
[Subaru: Wrong! You got it all wrong! It’s not because I believe in you that I love you! ――It’s because I love you that I believe in you! It’s that way around!]
[Emilia: Love isn’t a reason to believe in someone!]
[Subaru: ――Gh! If love isn’t a reason to believe in someone, then who the hell would go through all this suffering to help a pain-in-the-ass woman like you!?]
Voices peaking, the two’s emotions crashed into each other.
Subaru pressed his hand to the wall and dragged himself up to stand while Emilia also stood up to face him.
Close enough to butt heads, each with their brows raised, Subaru and Emilia barked out their emotions.
Sending spit flying, faces red, shouting “No you’re wrong!”, were the two of them who’d never screamed at each other before.
[Subaru: I love you! I love you so much that it drives me crazy, so much that I could die for you. That’s why I put up with all the pain and the suffering and why I’m standing in front of you now even though I’m close to puking!]
[Emilia: That’s! I never asked for that! Going off saying whatever selfish things you want…… you’re the one who’s never thought about my feelings, Subaru! Just like now…… when you’re putting yourself in harm’s way and always getting hurt because of me…… do you have any idea how that makes me feel!?]
[Subaru: How am I supposed to know how you feel when I’ve never even thought about it! All I ever think about is how to look cool in front of you! What’ll make you think the best of me, what’ll make you happy……. when I’m here working my ass off, how about going with the plan and giving me a cute look once in a while!]
[Emilia: Don’t treat me like I’m a doll! If all you want is for me to be happy…… th-then, why did you break your promise! All you had to do was stay with me like I asked you to! So why didn’t you! I bet you actually hate me, don’t you!]
[Subaru: I love you!!]
[Emilia: You’re lying!!]
Subaru spewed forth all his emotions in desperation, only for Emilia to shout over him.
How much of a detour had he once taken just to voice these very feelings? How many obstacles had Subaru had to overcome just for the sake of conveying those words to her?
These confessions of love, thrown around so much that they begin to feel cheap, were all Subaru’s truest sentiments, fused with the whole of his being, seeping through every portion of his soul.
[Subaru: I’m not lying! I love you! But how about you tell me what you feel about me for once! All you’ve ever given me is insinuations! Do you have any idea how much it jolts my heart every time you make those cute expressions and it seems like there’s hope!? Stop messing with me!]
[Emilia: I-I’m not messing with you! I’m just being normal, stop saying weird things! I have so many things to think about right now and I’m facing such serious problems, and you’re asking me how I feel about you…… I can’t think about those kinds of things! Stop it! Stop bullying me!]
[Subaru: Who’s bullying who here! It’s you! You’re the one bullying me!]
[Emilia: It’s you bullying me! Subaru!]
Without a shred of logic, it was a clash of emotions.
Like two children throwing tantrums showering insults at each other, Subaru and Emilia loudly asserted their respective feelings.
Their voices echoed through the dim, narrow Tomb, shattering the long silence that’d existed since the Tomb’s construction. The intensity of their argument could practically slap the Tomb’s sleeper awake, with the two of them raggedly panting as they guided their fruitless quarrel towards its conclusion.
[Emilia: I can’t trust anything you say anymore! You are a liar! You broke your promise, and then you just show up in front of me again like nothing happened…… y-you thought I wouldn’t notice, didn’t you! But I was watching! I was watching to see whether you’d keep your promise to me!]
[Subaru: Well what an asshole thing to do! Don’t you feel embarrassed pulling this crap, pretending to be weak so you can test people!]
[Emilia: I shouldn’t have to hear this from a promise-breaking liar!]
[Subaru: Me breaking my promise has nothing to do with this!]
Emilia’s cheeks blushed with fury as Subaru callously tried to sidestep the issue.
So overwhelmed by emotion that she couldn’t even speak, Emilia took several ragged breaths before finally wrenching out the words,
[Emilia: Why…… why did you break your promise?]
[Subaru: ……I’m sorry I broke my promise, I am. I wanted to keep holding your hand and stay with you until morning, I really wanted to]
[Emilia: That’s not what I asked. ――Why did you break your promise?]
[Subaru: ……I can’t say it]
Gritting his teeth, Subaru replied to Emilia’s question with an anguished groan.
Seeing him trying to dodge the question even now, Emilia expelled a long sigh.
[Emilia: You won’t keep your promises. And you won’t tell me why you broke them. ……Then what’re you telling me? If you’re going to tell me you love me…… then act like it! Otherwise, I…… can’t, believe you……]
[Subaru: Emilia]
[Emilia: If you’d kept your promise and stayed with me until morning! Then I would’ve definitely believed you! I would’ve believed you, and entrusted everything to you! But you broke your promise…… and so I, can’t anymore…… whether it’s you or Puck, you both left me behind……]
Grimacing, Emilia stuck her fingers into her silver hair and lowered her face.
The heat of her fervour shifted and changed directions as Emilia tightly grasped herself,
[Emilia: Now that Puck is gone, these scenes have been going through my head. ……They’re in my head, scenes I’ve never seen before, conversations I don’t remember, they just keep flowing and flowing……]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: I used to think I remember everything, but these are memories I never knew existed…… yet, they really are my memories…… and every time I remember, whenever something that’s meant to be there that I’ve forgotten re-emerges, I get so afraid……]
These memories Emilia spoke of―― which Puck had sacrificed his bond with her to unseal, were all the genuine memories which she had once tried to forget.
When her contract with Puck was terminated, the uncorked memories began to overflow, flooding Emilia’s interior with her true recollections.
But this dramatic shift could transform her very being.
[Emilia: I finally realized that I’ve been leaning on Puck while running away from all sorts of things…… I’m certain that Puck left me in order to tell me this. But, I’m scared. I’m scared. Puck’s gone, and my real memories are coming out…… and I, I feel like I’m steadily losing myself]
[Subaru: ――――]
[Emilia: Once all the memories come back…… I know I won’t be the same me anymore. My present self is built upon memories that aren’t my real memories…… but, once I remember where I really started…… I know that this me who’s come all this way is going to disappear……]
All of Emilia’s resolve and determination had false memories as their basis.
And so, once she regains her true memories, once her origin changes form, just what will happen to Emilia’s present resolve, and to the path she has walked thus far?
{――What’s important isn’t the beginning or the middle, it’s the end}
[Subaru: ――――]
Suddenly, a voice echoed through Subaru’s mind.
This familiar yet distant voice felt so incredibly close to Subaru, though it belonged to someone who he would likely never see again.
At the very end of the end of their parting, she gave him these words as his homework.
Ahh, that’s right―― he thought.
No matter how it began, regardless of which path you took, until you reach the end of the end of the end, who has the right to say whether or not it’d all been a mistake?
[Subaru: No matter what you remember, nothing will change. I love you. And I’ll always love you]
[Emilia: ――hk. I don’t, believe you. This me, you say you love…… o-once she’s gone, will you, still……]
[Subaru: I’ll say this now. No matter what happens, you’re not going anywhere. And I’ll continue to love you]
[Emilia: ……You’re a liar. How do you, expect me to…… believe you……]
[Subaru: ――Then, I’ll make you believe]
With her voice trembling and her eyes wavering, Emilia tried to reject Subaru.
His words could not reach her. And his appeals could not convince her. In that case, the only way left to convey his feelings was through action.
And so,
[Emilia: sub……]
[Subaru: If you don’t want it, dodge]
Within breathing distance―― or rather, so close that not even their breaths could stand between them――
Subaru reached for Emilia’s shoulder, and drew his face closer. Watching Subaru’s approach, confusion rose in Emilia’s eyes as her body tensed.
For one second, he waited.
If she was going to push him away, this was the moment.
[Emilia: ――――]
But Emilia closed her eyes.
Whether it was resignation, or the result of hesitation, Subaru couldn’t tell.
[Subaru: ――Mmh]
[Emilia: ――――ngh]
Their breathing intertwined, Emilia held her breath, Subaru’s brows furrowed in pain.
A quiet noise came from the force of their teeth striking together. It started with that slight, aching pain, but it soon vanished from even the crevices of their minds, drowned out by the intensity of that heat.
Soft lips. A kiss, barely more than a touch.
For Emilia, it was her first, and for Subaru, it was his second time kissing her.
Unlike the first time, filled with the cold taste of “Death”. This second kiss was of the burning taste of “Life”.
[――a]
With neither being the first to move, their lips parted.
They drew their faces away from each other, both forgetting to breathe as they gazed at the other.
Flushed cheeks. Watery eyes. The person reflected within Emilia’s irises looked utterly entranced.
That pathetic expression made Subaru return to his senses first, and, while finally remembering to breathe,
[Subaru: …I love you]
[Emilia: ――――]
[Subaru: No matter what useless side of you I see, and no matter what kinds of fights we get into, I’ll never stop loving you, Emilia. That won’t change no matter what―― so I’ll always believe in you. And if you ask me why, it’s…]
[Emilia: Because, you love me……]
Finishing the end of Subaru’s sentence as if in a daze, Emilia touched her lips. Tracing her fingers over them, as if confirming the lingering tenderness of their touch, tears welled in her eyes.
A droplet travelled down her fair-white cheek, glimmering like a drop of the moon.
[Subaru: It’s only natural that you’d be anxious when unknown memories start flowing back. And I understand being scared when it feels like you’re becoming someone you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean the path you’ve walked will vanish, or that your feelings will change]
[Emilia: How could you…… say this like you’re sure……?]
[Subaru: What’s important isn’t the beginning. It’s the end. ――A woman I respect above all the world told me that]
His mother may be the most air-headed person in the world, but somehow, she still managed to teach him his single most important lesson in that world.
Though he couldn’t be sure if he understands it correctly, he nevertheless intends to try.
Because there is a girl right in front of him, with whom he wishes to figure this out together.
Watching Emilia stand there, weighed by anxiety, Subaru gave her a lighthearted shrug.
As if to tell her that it’s no big deal, and to blast her worries away.
[Subaru: It’s alright, Emilia. No matter what you remember, I’ll be on your side. Go ahead and recall every memory you’ve forgotten. And if you’re still afraid, then go find it]
[Emilia: Find…… find what……?]
[Subaru: Just like how my feelings for you allow me to charge ahead without a fear in the world, you should find your most cherished feeling that’ll let you sprint forward without worrying about anything going on around you]
Emilia never hesitated to expend herself for another’s sake.
The way she placed others before herself was noble and beautiful, and Subaru loved it to no end, but――
――The words “For another’s sake” is horrifically kind, and horrifically sad.
Because the feelings one holds towards an unknown stranger could surely never rival the feelings one held for someone familiar and close.
[Subaru: I’m kinda sorta hoping that cherished feeling would be directed towards me, though]
[Emilia: My…… cherished feeling……]
Perhaps she wasn’t listening to Subaru, for Emilia raised her hand to her chest and lowered her eyes. Her fingers reached for where Puck’s crystal would have been.
With their bond shattered, there was nothing for her to touch. Her fingertips scraped at empty air. But Emilia clenched her hand firm,
[Emilia: Once I’ve recovered all of my memories…… maybe it’ll be there, my cherished feeling]
[Subaru: Yeah. It’ll be there. Your reason to keep walking]
[Emilia: ――Mn]
Her expression was not exactly doubtful, nor was it entirely one of acceptance.
After seeing Emilia give a slight nod, Subaru closed his eyes as he turned his face up to the ceiling.
The words that had once uplifted him now felt even more powerful than before.
As though it had been kinder, stricter, and stronger words that saved him.
――But will he really become Emilia’s strength?
[Subaru: ――――]
It’d be way too lame to ask that now.
He sighed, and the instant he let go of his strength, the nausea he’d forgotten about jolted him to his core. Instinctively putting his hand to the wall, he barely managed to keep himself from puking.
[Emilia: Subaru?]
[Subaru: It’s nothing…… or, as much as I wanna man up and say that, it’s not nothing. I’m pretty bad right now. Anyway, if you wanna keep arguing or fighting, we could pick it up once we’re outside]
[Emilia: Geez…… that’s not what I want at all]
In front of the pale-faced Subaru, Emilia’s lips formed into a faint smile.
But she was too weak to resume her usual determined facade. She hasn’t yet reached a clear-cut answer. And her anxiety wasn’t fully dispelled.
With his hand against the wall, Subaru started walking towards the Tomb’s exit.
Behind Subaru’s unsteady steps, Emilia reached out her hand, but hesitated, indecisive about whether to touch him. The meeting of their lips just now must’ve affected her considerably.
Just thinking back on it made Subaru’s face flush red-hot at how brazen he had been.
But all those sentiments would have to be left behind for now.
[Subaru: ――――]
In order to show her that he is on her side, and is willing to do anything for her――
In order to fulfill the role that he had taken upon himself: to protect her, and to protect all his feelings for her――
[Subaru: I’ll have to see this through to the end]
They came out of the Tomb.
Bright sunlight greeted them as they stepped from the darkness.
And,
[Subaru: ――Yo, sorry to keep you waiting]
[???: Tch]
The person clicked his tongue in irritation as Subaru gave him a wave.
[???: ――I wasn’t waitin’]
――With his entire body drenched in blood, Garfiel stood there, full of hostility.
-=Chapter 110 End=-