BXBX NOVEL Chapter 243: Believe
Chapter 243: Believe
Sitting in front of the keyboard, looking at the bright black and white keys that even reflected his face, Renly\'s thoughts swirled in his mind.
Humans are really strange creatures, aren\'t they? We firmly believe in something, only to overthrow it ourselves and rebuild new beliefs, only to find those too are wrong. We overthrow them again and rebuild, gradually becoming unrecognizable to ourselves, or even becoming what we once despised.
We comfort ourselves, saying this is growth.
But the innocence of childhood, the persistence of youth, are lost forever. Once, we believed in dreams, freedom, and the future; once, we believed our hands could change the world; once, we thought we were the center of the world; once, we were pure and true, with no room for any impurities... Ultimately, all this is obliterated by the passage of time, and we grow into one of the countless anonymous faces in society, all our edges worn smooth, indistinguishable from the masses.
Is this growth or destruction?
His hands fell on the keyboard, and the ethereal, clear keyboard sound flowed like moonlight, the light notes spreading gently in the lazy afternoon air. Suddenly looking out the window, he realized the sky had been covered by clouds again, and the world had fallen into a gray twilight.
[??Believe - Mumford & Sons??]
??You may call it in this evening
But you\'ve only lost the night??
A rich, hoarse voice rose from the melody like smoke, fragile and confused, like glistening tears hanging on eyelashes, blurring the vision but never falling. The sense of loss made his eyes lose focus, trying hard to see around, the whole world becoming a hazy mosaic of colors, brilliant yet failing to find his goal, and the hollow feeling inside began to slowly fall.
??Present all your pretty feelings
May they comfort you tonight??
??And I\'m climbing over something
And I\'m running through these walls
I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I believe
Everything you\'re trying to say to me??
Felicity felt a tightness in her chest, as if a heavy punch had hit her hard, and tears of despair filled her eyes, almost burning her cheeks. She opened her mouth but couldn\'t make a sound, standing dumbfounded, as if she could see her world crumbling.
It was them, they themselves. They had built barriers between each other, pushed each other away from their lives, wrapped themselves back up, gave up communication, gave up dialogue, and gave up trust. Thus, their once fiery hearts began to cool down.
She didn\'t know if she still believed they could reach the end; he didn\'t know if he still believed their efforts were right; she didn\'t know if she still believed their love could conquer all; he didn\'t know if he still believed they still deeply loved each other.
She didn\'t know, and neither did he. Their faith and belief had collapsed, but they still didn\'t know.
This fact gripped her throat, almost making her unable to breathe. Tears welled up but didn\'t fall. Worse than despair was their numbness. So, they couldn\'t go back, could they?
??I had the strangest feeling
Your world\'s not all it seems
So tired of misconceiving
What else this could\'ve been??
??I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I believe
Everything you\'re trying to say to me??
Felicity covered her mouth, fearing she would burst into sobs. What were they doing?
She blamed him for cheating, but what was she doing? She blamed him for shouting, but wasn\'t it she who started the war? She complained he wasn\'t willing to live in London, but wasn\'t he trying his best? She lamented they were drifting apart, but wasn\'t the initial mistake hers?
She didn\'t want this, she really didn\'t. Those words weren\'t true, those accusations, that anger, that exhaustion, none of it was real. She just... she just... she just didn\'t know if she should keep believing.
??So open up my eyes
Tell me I\'m alive
This is never gonna go our way
If I\'m gonna have to guess what\'s on your mind??
Felicity opened her mouth, trying to say something, but every word was stuck in her throat, her mind blank, not a word coming out. She wanted to tell him she still loved him deeply, still dreamed of their life together, still believed they could overcome all difficulties, still believed their happiness was with each other, still firmly believed, she was still believing...
But the words were stuck in her throat, leaving her standing there, unable to make a sound, shaking her head vigorously, denying it all.
??Oh say something, say something
Something like you love me
Less you want to move away
From the noise of this place??
In the intense, surging melody, that mournful and painful cry completely broke Felicity\'s defenses. She hugged her head and cried silently. "I love you, I love you, I love you..." She really loved him so much but was pushing him further away, the pain so intense it almost choked her.
It was like she was skydiving at night, falling slowly, endlessly falling, gravity pulling her down in a free fall, setting off alarms in her body, but she remained unmoved, letting herself fall, the possibility of being smashed to pieces bringing a hint of pleasure amidst the fragility and despair.
Then, she landed.
??I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I believe
I don\'t even know if I wanna believe
Anything you\'re trying to say to me
So open up my eyes??
"I don\'t even know if I wanna believe," the sorrowful questioning pulled her deep into the ocean, the impact of free fall quickly surrounding her with icy seawater, the cold, dark waves swallowing her flesh, even her soul feeling the heart-breaking sadness.
How did they get to this point? If time could turn back, would things be different? Is there no meaning in persisting further? What are they fighting for, and what are they holding on to?
She opened her eyes again, and in a daze, she became Anna, looking at Jacob\'s lonely back, at a loss; then she became Felicity, watching Renly\'s focused profile, feeling a deep sorrow; she became Anna again, listening to the melody from Renly\'s fingertips, feeling lost; then she became Felicity again, hearing Jacob\'s sighs, sobbing uncontrollably.
??So open up my eyes
Tell me I\'m alive
This is never gonna go our way
If i\'m gonna have to guess what\'s on your mind??
Golden notes danced in the air, sorrowful yet gentle, painful yet helpless, despairing yet confused. The subtle emotions gripped everyone\'s hearts. Each question was like a heart-wrenching self-inquiry, the bitterness and disappointment spreading slowly on the tongue. The intense, joyful melody seemed like a carnival march, contrasting with the pervasive loneliness and desolation, dragging everyone down.
Before they realized it, tears had broken through the defense line of their eyes, falling down in embarrassment.
They understood, every one of them. This was the story of Jacob and Anna, but also the story of every couple who loved deeply but drifted apart. Even if they loved each other, they might not reach the end.
No one was an exception. Surrounded by the melody, they tasted every emotion in the song, like experienced bards who had seen through the world, seen through life, sighing yet calm. There were no loud shouts, no wailing, no dramatic ups and downs, just softly singing the inner helplessness and sorrow, easily breaking through defenses and touching everyone\'s softness.
Drake had completely broken down, standing there, shoulders drooping, like a lost child, crying uncontrollably. He knew they had missed it, they had ultimately missed it, he had missed the woman he loved all his life and would continue to love.
The melody stopped, and everyone turned away, wiping their tears in embarrassment, the sounds of blowing noses breaking the silence of the room, yet further highlighting the inescapable sadness, tears not yet dried before their eyes blurred again.
(Note: Believe - Mumford & Sons)