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Chapter 458 - Self Reflection

"Later when I went to Rathna… I made enemies out of a lot of powerful people in order to establish my businesses and earn money.

But as a consequence of my brazen actions and picking fights with the Chamber of Commerce… hundreds of my employees, who had nothing to do with anything ended up being hunted and dying.

On some occasions… The killers finished off the whole family to not leave any witnesses. They didn't spare children, the elderly or even the newborn babies.

Although I avenged them too… the fact remains that their blood is on my hands.

If only I had realized that I was no longer responsible for myself but people who worked for me at the same time… maybe all those families would still be living happily."

Said Kahn as he blamed himself. Which was indeed his fault.

Although he wiped out the entire Red Right Hand assassination organization that was hired by the main council members of the Chamber of Commerce of the Rukon District… the loss of life still remained.

"In all those situations and moments… my actions seemed like reasonable choices when I was trying to advance in life.

But now that I look back at what I did… I see nothing but an overconfident, foolish, ignorant and hypocritical man." he confessed.

This was the reason why Kahn never thought of himself as the good guy. Because whether he intended or not… there was too much blood on his hands because of the choices he made.

"Tell me something… would the people of this fiefdom or the empire accept someone like me if they knew this truth? Would they believe in all the good I have done so far or just discard it away because of my past mistakes?

Can they understand me?

Can you understand me?" asked Kahn.

Kassandra had no answer to his questions.

In her eyes… Kahn was the most perfect man she had come to know. He was talented, strong, reliable, kind, and mature than any other person in her age group.

But now… the good image of the man who saved her and stopped her from committing suicide suddenly seemed… tainted.

"There was a time when I was in a similar situation as you. I too had both those choices in front of me.

To give up or carry on and endure.

Today… I am where I am because of the decision I took that night.

Maybe I would have a different life if I made a different choice back then." said Kahn.

He reminisced the night of his suicide and only gave vague information about it to Kassandra.

"Like how your parents cast you off and betrayed you… I once went through a similar situation as well.

And the worst part is… I have a mental trauma.

Because of which, there aren't many people whom I can trust even now. And so far… I don't truly have friends either.

Recently, I noticed that I willingly don't let people get close to me." admitted Kahn.

Referencing the final push that made him jump from the building as he ended his life as Elric.

A silence ensued as both parties in the conversation suddenly stopped speaking.

The more she heard Kahn speak his mind… the more shock she kept receiving.

"What trauma?" asked Kassandra as she steeled her will.

"That I don't trust anyone. Especially women." spoke Kahn with a content smile… like a psychopath.

Kassandra's entire being suddenly shivered.

"You're like the most eligible bachelor of the entire Rakos Empire.

Half of the females in this whole empire, regardless of their age and race, fancy you. And you're saying that you have a trauma against women?" says Kassandra in a jittery voice.

"It's better this way. For me… and them." he replied.

"I'd rather live a life of solitude than go through it all again.

At this rate… I'm afraid I'll become someone who doesn't even value life. And I will end up becoming a person who would kill anyone just to achieve my selfish goals.

Just like your family who used you as an object to gain my favor." spoke Kahn truthfully.

Kassandra had a complex expression on her face after Kahn kept revealing many things about himself to her.

Suddenly, Kassandra decided to speak her mind.

"It's not like you willingly made those decisions while knowing the consequences. I can understand why you blame yourself but at least in my opinion… you're not completely evil."

"Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling… Makes no difference.

The degree is arbitrary. The definition's blurred. If I'm to choose between one evil and another...

I'd rather not choose at all." said Kahn in a stoic voice.

Another silence ensued as Kassandra herself started contemplating Kahn's words.

To her… those words sounded like wisdom spoken by an old man who spent decades exploring the world and had too much knowledge and experience about the world.

A few minutes passed and she spoke again.

"I take back what I said. Our lives are different in many ways. And I made the mistake of making presumptions about something I have not experienced myself."

The next moment, however, she looked Kahn in the eyes with a firm gaze.

"And I thought I had a lot of emotional baggage. I suffered only for a month, and acting like an idiot… I wanted to end my life.

You on the other end… you've been suffering from it for years." she said in an empathetic tone.

"Don't be fooled, Kassandra. I'm not the kind you should feel sorry for.

You will find many people like me in this world. And you can't afford to be kind or understanding to them. Because they certainly won't." spoke Kahn with a somber expression.

"As for me…" he continued in a grim tone as he had a chance to self-reflect for the first time.

"I'm someone who doesn't deserve any salvation."