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On our lands, if he sought pleasure from one of the breeders no one would question him, if he slept with another female no one would curse him. His word is law but he never once looked at another female with ample craving like he looked at me. And he never did look at Moira that way either but she holds a piece of his heart due to the past he shares with her. I do not know if it is gratefulness for saving his life, if it is a sense of duty that confines him or if he actually holds a soft spot for her. The thought of it sickens me and I have had enough of nausea for the past months.

When he fucked me in that tent afterwards and unleashed his true wrath, his despair and jealousy upon my flesh and as I wept to the tear in my heart all I could think of was how despite it all I loved him body, mind, heart and soul. To me, he had always been the handsome juvenile whom I treasured and blindly chased after for a very long time but at that moment I could not figure out who I was to him. I questioned his love for me that maybe all along he had seen me merely as a possession as an object that belonged to him. And when he looked into my eyes he knew. He knew the consequences of his actions that would befall, he knew I would never forgive him for what he did with Moira be it duty or not.

Even if I did not leave him, I would have put up an impenetrable barrier between us that would have taken him a long time to break through. I would have shunned his existence and would have proceeded to do so even if he had pleaded with me and had continually sought after my forgiveness. If Phobos was a male I met by fate and did not know much about I would not have held him accountable for his actions. But because of the childhood we shared because of those beautiful unerasable memories rooted deep within my mind and that feeling of slowly falling for someone he wielded that sword that I swore that I would never give to another wolf to pierce it straight into my heart.

When I told him I despised him though I did not mean it, I too punctured my own sword that he gladly gave me out of love for the second time into him to end him once and for all. My first stab was when I had kissed Karel out of retribution. We both had severely wounded each other, we both had our pride that we did not wish to lay down for even a second. And look at what it has cost us. He cannot see the blossoming of his male and I cannot have my moon blessed with me through my pregnancy.

When I wanted a pup with him all I could imagine was those nine months of pure bliss I would have with my male. That raw unfiltered happiness as we watched our pup grow in my womb demanding more space for slumber. That first kick of his tiny foot as we both felt him demanding attention from us was what I could think of. My pregnancy cravings would make Phobos rush out of bed in the middle of the night to bring me what I wept for and he would read our male stories with that gruff yet soothing voice of his. And I would sleep happily in his arms knowing my pup and I will be safe, loved and well provided for.

Dreams are a cruel thing indeed for everything I dreamt of came true. Except it has me breaking apart for the love of my life is not with me to witness everything.

Not wanting to give myself any more suffering not wanting to carry the burden of my thoughts on my shoulders for the day I rise with a feeble grunt. Tossing my legs over the bed setting my feet upon the carpet I place my palms beneath my heavily swollen belly and waddle down the stairs taking one step at a time.

My palm squeezes onto the rail and I smile at the thought of what Phobos would have done this instant. He would carry me down despite my demure protests and would bare his teeth at me asking me to submit to his care. It is true I have missed him so much each month of my pregnancy, the first few months were the most arduous to go through without him by my side. My hormones did not help me either it rather fueled my need to have him beside me. Sometimes I thought I could call him and say I am doing all right and that we will be having a male soon. I wanted to ask if he could give me some more time but knowing Phobos I knew that might as well be a dream of mine for that would have never happened.. He would have come as fast as lightning strikes the earth each time a storm is birthed.