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I never could bring myself to kill myself. Perhaps it was because I had always been a coward. I was so much of a coward that I could not kill myself, neither could I live. It was always a state in the middle of living and death.

\'Was I a zombie then without any thoughts of my own and was just living because that\'s what I\'m supposed to do? Only breathe and think nothing, like a body and mind without a soul...\'

But now, I was scared, scared to die. Every time I could not breathe, it felt like it was the end. But I did not want to see the end yet. I had finally been happy. Did I not deserve this much happiness? Or was my life always supposed to be filled with despair?

But more importantly, I did not want to die because I did not want to see my husband sad. What would happen to him if I died? He looked like he loved me more than anything else in the world. I had always wanted to be loved. But if I knew that being loved would be like this, then perhaps I would have thought twice before wanting it. I did not want him to suffer because of me.

So what if I died? There was never much value in my life. Then why now? Why did he have to love and care for me so much that I was afraid to die?

These days I could feel that I was dying slowly. I had always wondered what it would feel like if I died slowly, but regularly, so one day my body would fall numb and I would go to another place where I would not feel anything anymore and there would not be any more of those people who had always hurt me. Now I knew how it felt.

It was as if I knew that I was going far, far away, but I could not do anything. Crying was no help at all as well. When I looked at my husband\'s face filled with pain, I could not bring myself to shed even a single tear. I only smiled, as if I was trying to comfort him even though I kind of knew that there was no happy ending waiting for us.

If I could die slowly without him noticing, perhaps it would not hurt this much. I would leave silently.

One night, when he thought that I was sleeping, I heard him saying, "I can never be satisfied with your ghost. If you leave me, I will leave this world too. There is no point of a world without my wife in it."

I wanted to tell him that even if I left, there was a long way for him to go. He needed to keep on living. But for some reason, I could not. I could not even open my eyes. I still hated myself for it. Even now, I could not tell him that.

I was such a coward...

"Look at this flower."

I glanced at the black rose and laughed loudly. Dem had carried me to the garden as I got better slightly, but I knew that from the inside, I was fading away. But it was a secret between me and my soul.

"You like black roses...," he said.

"Ha, yes, I l-love them..."

\'But do you know why? Because a black rose is the sign of death and mourning. I always wanted to die. It\'s not just because of the color; I liked it because of the meaning.\'

But I did not want to see one now. Dem was not someone to think about something\'s meaning beforehand. He perhaps did not know that I was thinking like this. But, I just wanted to throw that away. I did not want to die and the moment I saw it, I could not help imagine a picture of black roses spread my dead body. In my mind, I looked like an angel, but a dead one apparently.

"I don\'t want it now..."

"You idiot, Demetrius! Really, have some sense for god\'s sake!" Luc yelled and threw the rose away. Perhaps it was then that Demetrius realized it.

"I don\'t..."

"I want... to go back t-to my room," I said and leaned against his chest. It was not his fault. But still, I wished he did not do it.

\'Just think a bit more before doing something, please. I beg of you...\'

"Alright," Dem said.

"You need to be a bit more thoughtful, you idiot!" Luc grumbled.

Dem did not say anything. Usually, he would talk back. But this time, it seemed like he felt guilty.

"There is d-dukedom... as well?" I asked.

"What?" he was surprised. I just wanted to clear the mood, so I asked whatever I could think of. "Yes, there is. But why are you asking this suddenly?"

"I... can\'t?"

"It\'s not like that... I expect you to be angry at me. I won\'t be surprised," he muttered as he carried me to our room. I had even forgotten what it meant to walk with my own two feet.

"Well, forget... it. I\'m not... mad..."

\'But I\'m kinda sad...\'

"You\'re not?" he asked.

"No..."

"... Ha, I am really unworthy, huh?" he sighed.

"N-No..."

\'You just don\'t know how to respect people\'s feelings.\'

Sometimes I thought that if he had not met me a long time ago and fell for me, perhaps he would have been the type to throw a woman away after being with her for a few days, even if the woman fell head over heels for him. As much as I loved him more because he waited for me, I could not help but think what kind of person he would have been if he had not met me. What if we met a bit later?

Would he have fallen for me as well then? Or would he throw me away as well? I was being ridiculous, yet I could not help it.

Perhaps he had always been like that. He never talked to anyone other than me properly. Even his mother was no exception. It was as if he had never learned it. When someone had not learned something that was supposed to be natural and spent twenty-four years of his life already, there was no way I could teach him that. I could only wish that he would improve, even if for a bit.

"You can get angry," he said as he sat on the bed with me in his arms. "It was my fault. I didn\'t think about it before."

"I miss Ava...," I said.

He sighed. "I will tell Evelyn to come back."

"I just m-miss her... She is so little... and pure...," I murmured.

When I talked to her, I did not have to think hard. It was very easy. And she was excited about every little thing I said. I could not help but crave that sweet and simple mind where everything was easy and beautiful. I wished I did not have to think so hard about life. It was hard.

It had been two months that I had not seen her face. I only met her once for a few days, but I liked her a lot. Perhaps it was because she was more excited to meet me than I expected.

When I first came here, I thought Dem was good with kids since he was very gentle with Ava. But I was wrong. After we got closer, he told me that he actually behaved that way so I would not hate him. He did not care much about Ava either and spent very little time with her. But one thing was sure- he did not ignore her.

"If you tell her... to come back, she w-will?" I asked.

"No," he shook his head. "But if you do, Evelyn will send her daughter back."

"Oh... Then n-no need... I don\'t want... to ruin their travel... I just missed h-her, that\'s all," I said.

"Nah, it\'s not like that," he said. "They will be more than happy to send their daughter back. They can\'t do as many things as they want because of their daughter. They will send her back if you want it. It won\'t be a problem at all."

"R-Really? Then I g-guess... it will be okay... I wonder if she will want something... Maybe a pet. Like an Aardvark?"

"What\'s an Aardvark?"

"Well, it\'s a mamma natice to Africa. You know Africa? It\'s a continent, like North America, South America. I am from North America."

"How many continents are there? Five, right?"

"Yeah, you read about it?"

"Well, kind of," he grinned.