BXBX NOVEL Chapter 230 - A Bad Person
All his excitement died down, replaced by guilt. He hadn\'t been there for her and their kids. How could he think only about lust? He hadn\'t made up for the years he wasn\'t there for them yet. He had no right to plan wicked schemes to get to Lara.
«Hey?» she hummed, noticing his change of mood.
His arm was still on her shoulders, and that was the right-est place for it. Still, it was as if something had made him change his idea at the last moment.
His hand was warm, and his presence was comforting. But he wasn\'t paying any attention to her anymore. Was it because she hadn\'t looked at him even once?
But she liked the movie! She wanted to watch it till the end. But... she could do it another day, all in all.
«Hey,» she repeated, reaching out to his face. She made him turn to her, and she caressed his cheek.
She tried smiling reassuringly, but it was a little awkward. She was in the dark, struggling to find a meaning for his mood.
«Yes?» Nate said, finally seeing her again.
«Is something wrong?»
«Nothing wrong. Not for me, at least.»
«But I feel like I\'ve said something that made you change your mind about me,» she murmured, bowing her head. Was it about the movie?
Oh, she should have predicted it. A good mother wouldn\'t prefer a movie over her children. She did feel a little guilty, back then, for having wishes of her own.
She swallowed, her eyes filling with tears at the thought that, no matter how hard she had tried, she couldn\'t become the person she wanted.
«Lara?» Nate called her, noticing that her heart wasn\'t following the pace of the movie anymore. She was having her own thoughts, and that deadly rhythm was killing him. «Hey, don\'t think like that!»
«Like what?» she moaned, avoiding his gaze.
«I don\'t know what you\'re thinking, but it definitely is not the case. Don\'t...» Don\'t change your mind, he was going to say.
But he wasn\'t even so worried about that. He didn\'t need her in his bed, after all. It had been a stupid offer, to begin with, but he had thought it was a good chance to spend some time together.
Just sleeping or kissing a little before falling into slumber. Nate didn\'t care about intimacy as much as he wanted to be there for Lara, to tell her it was all right to feel in any way she could feel.
But he had overestimated himself. He didn\'t know anything about feelings, except for when she was involved. How could he pretend to understand what she was going through when all he could do was conceive plans to make her come closer.
«Lara, I am a bad person,» he admitted. «I\'ve been looking for ways to get closer to you without considering how you could feel about that.»
She had retreated from him, sitting a few inches apart with her back straight and her hands joined on the lap. At that moment, to him, she felt so alone. Lonely and also suffering, as if she couldn\'t trust anyone in the world.
«I shouldn\'t have hurried like this,» he sighed.
«Sorry, Nate. I\'m not... I\'m not how you think I am,» she replied. «I tried being a better person, really, but I simply can\'t.»
«You don\'t need to, Lara. Oh, goodness, you don\'t need to be a good person just so I - or anybody else - can like you. Don\'t worry about it.»
He wouldn\'t have understood why she was talking like that even in a million years, and he had already tried telling her she wasn\'t a bad person. At that point, he could just go along with her thoughts and explain how even that didn\'t matter.
Why be a good person, by the way? She should have become a little selfish and spoiled. He would have liked that, all in all.
«Listen,» he said, reaching out to her.
He entwined their fingers and brought her hand to his lips. She didn\'t pull away nor push him back. She didn\'t get up to flee. She sat there, in silence, her attention on his words and his actions.
She was blushing a little, but neither of them had the wits to pay any attention to that detail.
«You don\'t need to be a good person, Lara. There\'s nothing you gain from it. Just do what you can, and don\'t forget to leave some time and attention to yourself. You deserve it, not less than the pups. Whatever happened during the time you were alone with them isn\'t as important. And now you\'re not alone. Now, I can cover for you if you want to be a little bad.» He was going to cover even murder for her, but there was no need to say it out loud. «Don\'t consider every thought as an action, as something you shouldn\'t have had. It\'s fine to have desires and needs of your own. You didn\'t die while giving birth to them, and they also need a mother who\'s happy with herself. Do you understand me?»
He pulled her closer and gently surrounded her with his arms. When she didn\'t struggle in his sudden hug, he caressed her hair.
«You don\'t need to be perfect, Lara. It\'s okay. No one can do more than their best. Also, you will make me feel guilty all the time like this. I wasn\'t there to help, was I? I\'m a bad father and, consequently, a bad person.»
He couldn\'t allow her to be the only one feeling bad. He would have shared her burdens from then on.. Even those he couldn\'t know or understand.