BXBX NOVEL Chapter 59 – Regret (3)
Chapter 59 – Regret (3)
Isabel’s personal maid, Erica.
She has been working at the Yustia Count’s mansion since Isabel was born.
Today, Erica was humming a tune as she tidied the mansion, as usual.
Not at the Yustia Count’s mansion where she had worked all her life, but at a secluded house in the middle of a forest in the Bihakan Territory of the East Continent.
A letter from her lady arrived a month ago… requesting her to work at the new house.
Erica couldn’t refuse the plea from her lady, who needed her help.
Count Yustia also accepted Isabel’s request, and so Erica arrived at this place a few weeks ago and began to tidy up the mansion.
Then one day.
The long-awaited lady finally arrived at the mansion.
The lady arrived soaked to the skin, holding a limp man in her arms.
Erica, who had been tidying the mansion, was startled to see Isabel holding a man so suddenly and ran towards her.
“Lady Isabel!”
Empty eyes and unfocused gaze.
Lips dried and cracked.
Her shoulders trembled as if in fear.
The lady, who was once the epitome of noble grace, was clearly not in her right mind.
Isabel’s gaze, lost and wandering, occasionally landed on the man in her arms, and her face contorted as if she had seen something she shouldn’t have.
“Heavens, what is this…?”
The man’s complexion was deathly pale, as if he were not alive.
And above all, his face was familiar.
Kyle Winfred.
The illegitimate son of Winfred and Isabel’s former fiance.
He hung limply in the lady’s arms like a dead rabbit.
Erica looked back and forth between Isabel and Kyle, unable to hide her confusion.
“Lady? Is this man… has he fainted?”
Isabel suddenly let out a low, bitter laugh.
The laughter, which started as a breath, grew louder and sharper.
As she tilted her head, her wet blonde hair fell messily.
Her blue eyes gleamed through the disheveled hair.
The eyes that were always gentle and warm were now filled with unfathomable despair and sorrow.
Erica, completely taken aback by the unexpected situation, couldn’t utter a word.
And then.
“He’s dead.”
The single word that escaped Isabel’s dry lips hit Erica’s throat like a punch.
“I killed him.”
Isabel gritted her teeth and spat out the words.
Her voice trembled violently.
“Again, because of me.”
Erica’s eyes blinked in bewilderment.
An indescribable sense of dread began to gnaw at her rationality.
“L-Lady, what do you mean you killed him…”
The cold, lifeless body, and the blackened blue eyes.
No pulse, no sign of breath.
Erica’s eyes began to fill with shock.
The chilling touch of death felt too unreal.
Erica, frantically checking Kyle’s pulse, let out a gasp and collapsed.
“Oh…”
Isabel staggered past Erica.
With each step, her soaked shoes made a squelching sound.
“L-Lady! Wait a moment!”
Erica shouted something and ran after her, but Isabel didn’t respond at all.
She neither listened nor spoke properly, nor walked straight, like someone half-dazed from anesthesia.
The once-clean floor was now smeared with wet footprints.
Erica stared blankly at Isabel ascending the central staircase.
By the time Isabel reached the second floor, she opened the door to her bedroom.
At that moment, Erica’s eyes met Isabel’s directly.
And then.
“Lady!”
Bang—!
With that, the door closed.
A week passed since then.
****
Kyle was dead.
It took quite a while to fully accept that fact.
Even after a week had passed, Kyle never left Isabel’s mind for a single moment.
It was disturbingly annoying.
“…”
Suddenly, she had a thought.
What annoyed her was not the image of Kyle haunting her mind, but herself for still not letting go of Kyle.
It had always been like that.
I was always so selfish and horribly disgusting.
Heh—A hollow laugh escaped her lips.
I killed Kyle.
Both before and after going back in time.
“…Kyle.”
Isabel muttered softly as she looked at Kyle.
As if she couldn’t afford to miss a single moment, she didn’t blink her bloodshot eyes even once.
Thick eyebrows, somewhat languid eyes, a face that looked a bit irritable.
Lying on the bed, Kyle was as handsome as ever.
It wasn’t particularly surprising.
Even when I first met Kyle.
Even when my relationship with Kyle was completely broken.
His looks never failed to catch the eye.
I just didn’t want to admit it because of my damned pride.
“He’s handsome…”
With a careful hand, she brushed through Kyle’s jet-black hair.
The strands flowed through her fingers.
The addictive sensation that she couldn’t escape from made Isabel grit her teeth.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
Then a fragment of a memory suddenly surfaced in her mind.
— You know, Isabel.
One day, Kyle came to her and said.
It was trivial, but it was a dream he always wanted to fulfill.
— If possible, I want to walk by the night sea with you someday.
Her heart pounded throughout her body.
The thought of walking by the night sea with Kyle was achingly bittersweet.
— There’s no particular reason.
— It’s just, the endless sea is more romantic than a stagnant lake.
A sea covered in darkness.
Sand breaking into white foam as it touched the waves.
The cool sea breeze blowing from all directions.
When they were young, Kyle had told her with sparkling eyes.
That one day, he would…
To walk by the night sea… with me…
“…Ah.”
A moist sigh escaped through her parted lips.
Her chest ached as if squeezed by invisible ribs.
That trivial dream of walking by the night sea with me could never come true again.
Because Kyle was dead.
To escape from me, because he hated me.
The opportunity that had always been open melted away in vain.
Because of me.
Everything… all because of me.
“…Hah.”
I know I’m not sane either.
I… was steadily going mad.
A hollow laugh burst forth.
Kyle, captured in her empty gaze, remained still as ever.
I just… liked you, Kyle…
I just didn’t want to lose you…
— Liar.
Suddenly, a refined voice echoed in her ears like an auditory hallucination.
Startlingly familiar… It was Isabel’s own voice.
— You didn’t want to lose him?
— Place your hand on your heart and say it.
— Didn’t you just want to wash away the past stained with regret?
No, that’s not it.
I… I loved Kyle…
— You just wanted to be forgiven.
— You wanted to forget the fact that you killed Kyle with your own hands.
Isabel covered her ears with trembling hands.
But the hallucination only grew clearer and sharper.
— Look.
— You still can’t let go of Kyle.
— The boy who ultimately chose death to escape from you.
Tears streamed down her reddened eyes.
The auditory hallucination pierced through her eardrums and lodged in her mind like a stake.
— Because you liked him. Because you loved him. Because you didn’t want to lose him.
— You’ve been rationalizing it that way all along, haven’t you?
— Because you’re as selfish as ever.
Her head ached as if it would shatter.
No matter how much she covered her ears or screamed, the hallucination torturing her mind was relentless.
— Were you angry at Kyle for his changed attitude? Is that why you were so desperate?
— After killing him with your own hands, did you still want him to look only at you?
The voice floating around her ears was undoubtedly her own.
But its contents were brutally sharp.
Why are you doing this to me?
Did I do something so wrong?
Her whole body felt tattered.
She couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe.
Her eyeballs felt like they were melting in a pit of fire.
The urge to just die flooded her mind.
“I… I…”
Her uncontrollable lips moved on their own.
“I loved you…”
The voice, pressed down hard, escaped like a groan.
It hurt as if her throat was studded with thorns.
“That was really all…”
I just loved you so madly.
A long time ago, when you whispered love to me with a flushed face…
I just… wanted to see that once more…
“That was really it…”
All of it was greed.
The fear of losing…
Because of that fear, I lost you again.
Still whispering love to you.
Screaming that I love you in front of your cold, lifeless body.
All of it was so laughable that a bitter smile emerged.
Her suppressed sobs were no different from an animal’s cries.
“Why… why did you…”
Why did you die?
You should have killed me instead.
“Why did you die…”
Her unanswered question dissipated into the air.
A chilling silence pressed down on the bedroom.
A carefree, brilliant youth unfolded before her eyes.
Kyle looking at her and playfully saying he loved her, and her turning away with a sulky expression, felt nostalgic.
Tears started to fill her eyes.
And at the same time, her vision blurred.
“No… wait…”
Isabel desperately wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
To regain her blurred vision, not wanting to lose that happy moment.
But when she opened her eyes again, only the cold, lifeless Kyle remained, fixed in her sight.
“Wait… where did you go…”
Her weakly outstretched hand wandered in the air.
“Please… please…”
Again.
She lost him again.
Something she desperately wanted to protect.
Something so precious to her.
[You might lose what is most precious to you]
I…
Once again…